I should be going to bed right now. It’s almost 10:30. But what am I doing instead? Typing out words and listening to Spotify. Typing out a blog post, more specifically.
I kinda promised to do plenty of blogging in 2019 to make up for my weird absences in 2018 but here’s a crazy truth about life: it has the ability to suck every interesting idea or feeling into a place you can’t access. In my real life, lately, I haven’t had much time for thinking or writing. My journal entries are half-finished paragraphs, and whenever I have a spare moment, instead of being able to access the vault of “stuff”, my brain decides to quit and tell me instead, “I got nothing, girl.”
All my brain wants to tell me is: you’re behind in everything, K. You’re behind in life, in adulthood, in writing, in living, in life, in speaking. You are stuck a room of your own making and the reason you can’t escape is because you can’t possibly outwit yourself. You’ll never grow out of the faults you possess. You’ll be the same forever.
They say the more you know, the more you realize, keenly, what you don’t know. I know I’ve grown a lot. But I also see now, more clearly than ever, the parts of me that aren’t so lovely to look at.
It’s so frustrating, guys – to see the “ideal person” in your head (whatever “ideal” is), but feel like you’re consistently doing the opposite of what you need to do to be that person. Yeah. . .maybe sometimes you get it right. But more often than not, you find something to complain about the moment you walk in the door after work instead of shutting your mouth and saying hello.
p.s. in case
you think this isn’t
and example from my real life,
let me assure you: it is.
It’s really hard not to get discouraged with yourself. Doesn’t it feel like you can’t write or create anything meaningful if you can’t get simple life-things right?
There’s this acoustic piece I’ve been listening to called “smile under the light.” And I’ve been thinking about that phrase as something I need to do. Smile under it all. Smile cause the light is here, and I’m here. Smile. Be here and take the next step, whatever it is.
Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful its ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax in the ordinary. That’s just living a heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And its breathtakingly beautiful.”
|| L.R. Knost
thank you Ella, for introducing me to this quote